{"id":15864,"date":"2019-01-29T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2019-01-29T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.adra.sk\/skutocne-pribehy-obeti-nasilia\/"},"modified":"2019-01-29T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2019-01-29T00:00:00","slug":"skutocne-pribehy-obeti-nasilia","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.adra.sk\/en\/skutocne-pribehy-obeti-nasilia\/","title":{"rendered":"Real stories of victims confirm to us that KIT makes sense"},"content":{"rendered":"

If you will not be able to attend our discussions on recognizing manipulation and domestic violence in a partner relationship (2.2. in Bratislava, 9.3. in Bansk\u00e1 Bystrica<\/a> and 27.3. in Nitra<\/a>), take the time to read the real stories of victims who have stepped out of the vicious circle of an abusive relationship thanks to the professionals of the Crisis Intervention Team (KIT). You can help yourself or someone in your neighbourhood.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0\"\"<\/strong><\/p>\n

Stories of Mrs. Susan<\/a> Also Dominica<\/a> are classic examples of abuse of power by a spouse and manipulation by a spouse. However, we must not forget that anyone of us can become a victim of domestic violence, regardless of gender, gender, social status or economic situation. It is not even a question of education or family background - even a self-confident woman can succumb to manipulation by her partner (especially in a state of infatuation). In the context of setting trust and boundaries in a relationship, no person entering into a new partnership expects that their harmonious relationship can turn violent.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

The life of a wife in a golden cage<\/strong><\/h3>\n

The first sign of manipulation and abusive behaviour is that the partner tries to separate the woman from her environment, which could provide her with critical feedback. This is exactly what happened to Ms Dominika when no one from her circle of relatives was invited to her wedding: \u201eWhen planning the wedding, there were several rational reasons from my partner's side why such and such a person from my side would prefer not to be there. At the time, I perceived that nothing was wrong and everything was fine - after all, he was the one who was financially arranging the wedding...\u201c After a while, however, Ms Dominika added: \u201eBut now that I think about it, it wasn't just a helpful move on his part, for which many women would be grateful, but it was literally a purchase, a premeditated move. I was terribly in love, however, and so I blindly ignored the warning signs of manipulation in the relationship - after all, there was always a prompt response to every question or objection on his part... It was enough for me at the time that I was his wife, his official wife.\u201c<\/p>\n

The marriage was followed by her husband's request that Dominika start working from home. When she wanted to go to the gym, he set up a gym at home, and when she wanted to go swimming, he referred her to the pool at the house. Added to this were bans on seeing girlfriends and boyfriends: \u201emy parents were bad in his eyes too, and he convinced me of that,\u201c she says. She began to feel like a little bird in a golden cage.<\/p>\n

KIT experts point out that the second most common method of manipulation in a relationship is to create a \u201edependency relationship\u201c - convincing a woman that only with a given partner is she \u201esafe\u201c, protected and has \u201eeverything she needs.\u201c The partner then has room to undermine her self-esteem and opinions. In this way, Dominika's husband trampled on her personality with various targeted attacks: \"A few years went by and I knew that I was no longer the ambitious and confident woman I once was. I didn't know who could help me out of this trap, and whether I actually wanted to. I was resigned to life.\"<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Deteriorated situation after the birth of a child<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Violent behaviour can often manifest itself when an offspring is born into the family. This happened to both of KIT's clients, Susan and Dominika, who agreed to have their stories published to open the eyes of other potential victims of domestic violence and to give other potential victims a voice to speak out about what they have been through and are going through.<\/p>\n

When Dominika gave birth to her daughter after a year of marriage, her husband did not show any feelings towards her: \u201eBut he was endlessly lecturing me, ordering me - how to take care of her,\u201c she says, recalling also how he attacked her because of her physical appearance: \u201eSince I had turned round after giving birth, he told me how disgusted he was with me. Every time he saw the food in my hand, he would scold me about how obese I was and snatch the food out of my hand... And even though I felt he was overreacting at times, I kept hoping that it would all change - after all, it was impossible for a man who once loved me so much to endlessly hurt me like this.\u201c<\/p>\n

Zuzana described a similar breakdown in the relationship and a cooling of feelings just after the birth of their common son, finding fault on her side: \u201eI put up with his behaviour mainly because of the child's upbringing and my financial dependence on him, as I was only a recipient of parental allowance at the time.\u201c But Susan's husband also provoked jealous scenes: \u201eEvery man who dared to greet me in the street was, in his opinion, my lover, and in an unpleasant, even vulgar way, he accused me of promiscuous behaviour. In case I was out shopping or somewhere else, he would repeatedly call me up and find out - where I was, who I was with, and most importantly - when exactly I would be back.\u201c<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

In addition to psychological blows, physical attacks<\/strong><\/h3>\n

But the worst thing for Susan was finding out that her husband had another family somewhere else: \u201eOne day I was contacted by his wife, who he claimed had been killed in an accident with their son.\u201c She also met her husband's mother and father, whom he had kept from her. When Ms Susan confronted her husband with the facts she had learned about him, it resulted in open conflict: \u201eHe hit me so hard that I hit the wall, lost my balance and fell to the ground. By the time I picked myself up, he was running for the stairs... We started to tussle over a child in the stairwell, where he twisted my arm so hard I screamed in pain.\u201c When threatened by the police, he just calmly told her that no matter how much she called the cops, they wouldn't help her anyway - because they wouldn't believe her.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, the police patrol called in behaved exactly as this violent and manipulative partner predicted. After writing up the incident and discovering that the house they had built and paid for together was actually all in his name, she walked away devastated with the child: \u201eI parked at the lake like a homeless woman, put my son to sleep and started looking for help on the internet.\u201c<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Important first contact with KIT<\/strong><\/h3>\n

In her story, Dominika also describes in detail how the verbal humiliation and psychological abuse from her husband were increasingly accompanied by physical attacks. One such argument resulted in a police patrol being called: \u201eHowever, during one of our other arguments, which was again provoked by him (for some stupid, irrelevant reason), he approached me from behind, wrapped a cord around my neck and started strangling me.\u201c As she feared, the police officers summoned did not attach importance to the whole situation. She finds it difficult to recall the whole incident: \u201eI was disoriented - not only in the whole situation, which quickly became confusing, but also in my own emotions... My head was completely numb and my body was wracked with feelings of fear and hopelessness, also guilt.\u201c However, a policewoman wrote a sort of name and number on a piece of paper for her, saying, \u201eCall this lady. She's from an organization where they can help you.\u201c<\/p>\n

In both cases it was the first telephone contact with a lawyer from ADRA and the head of Crisis Intervention Team<\/a> (KIT), Daniela Borzov\u00e1. Zuzana recalls this first contact as follows: \u201eWe spent the whole night talking on the phone. Finally someone talked to me, trusted me. We discussed everything - his behaviour, his actions, and Mrs Borzov\u00e1 mentioned all the possibilities - how the situation could be solved. I suddenly realized that I was not alone, and that there is help - there are people who can and know how to help.\u201c Dominika had a very similar experience of contacting KIT: \u201eJust the fact that suddenly there was a specific person who wanted to help you was incredible for me. From the phone conversation I felt that I could trust this woman. She made me feel that I wasn't useless at all, that this wasn't all my fault, and that I had a choice too.\u201c<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

First contact is followed by comprehensive help<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Dominika then met the KIT legal expert with whom she had that important phone conversation at the ADRA office and suddenly found out that \u201eit wasn't just this lady, but a whole team of great people that I am still in contact with today... He provides me not only with legal, but also psychosocial help and support, and it is thanks to him that I am once again that strong, confident woman - with ambition and a smile on my face.\u201c Thanks to the Crisis Intervention Team, she broke free from the power and control of an abusive husband, and realized that she was not living a dignified life in her union with her husband. Nor was it suitable for raising their daughter, little Mishka.<\/p>\n

Both KIT clients, Mrs. Dominica<\/a> i\u00a0Zuzana<\/a>, and at the end of their stories, they tell how their lives have changed, thanking the ADRA KIT workers. Zuzana even helps the team with her personal participation and joins in public discussions organised not only for the victims of violence. She explains her actions as follows: \u201eI pass on my story as motivation and inspiration for others, knowing that help exists and that there are people who care. We just need to seek their help.\u201c<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Heeding the warning signs in those closest to you<\/strong><\/h3>\n

KIT members stress the importance of support from family, friends, as well as the wider environment, which should not accept the increasingly rare contact and gradual isolation (managed by the victim's partner), but notice possible changes and warning signs. Also, early intervention by professionals in different fields (legal aid, psychological support, social rehabilitation, etc.) can address each client's needs and help her to rebuild a dignified life.<\/p>\n

Daniela Borzov\u00e1, lawyer and head of KIT, points out that many of her clients have experienced situations similar to those of Zuzana and Dominika: \u201eTheir stories are as if written through a photocopier. However, our clients often experience violent and manipulative behaviour not only on the part of her partner, but also on the part of the competent authorities, i.e. the police. Professionally, this is called secondary victimisation, where the woman as a victim is exposed to unprofessional behaviour by state and public authorities.\u201c The Crisis Intervention Team of ADRA Slovakia has been set up for such cases as well, which intervenes comprehensively and directly on the ground.<\/p>\n

Text: Boba M. Baluchov\u00e1, Photo: UN Women and ADRA<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Ak sa nebudete m\u00f4c\u0165 osobne z\u00fa\u010dastni\u0165 na na\u0161ich diskusi\u00e1ch o\u00a0rozpozn\u00e1van\u00ed manipul\u00e1cie a\u00a0prejavov dom\u00e1ceho n\u00e1silia v\u00a0partnerskom zv\u00e4zku (2.2. v Bratislave, 9.3. v Banskej Bystrici a 27.3. v Nitre), n\u00e1jdite si \u010das na pre\u010d\u00edtanie skuto\u010dn\u00fdch pr\u00edbehov obet\u00ed, ktor\u00e9 vyst\u00fapili zo za\u010darovan\u00e9ho kruhu n\u00e1siln\u00e9ho vz\u0165ahu v\u010faka odborn\u00ed\u010dkam Kr\u00edzov\u00e9ho interven\u010dn\u00e9ho t\u00edmu (KIT). M\u00f4\u017eete t\u00fdm pom\u00f4c\u0165 sebe alebo niekomu vo […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":11,"featured_media":15865,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[292,293,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15864","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog","category-novinky","category-uncategorized"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.adra.sk\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15864","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.adra.sk\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.adra.sk\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.adra.sk\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/11"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.adra.sk\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15864"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.adra.sk\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15864\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.adra.sk\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15865"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.adra.sk\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15864"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.adra.sk\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15864"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.adra.sk\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15864"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}